Saturday, October 15, 2011

Gummi Body Parts

We see these every year now.  Halloween has become a time to find our inner cannibal and act as if eating a severed limb would actually be appetizing.  For some strange reason, kids love eating body parts.  They love blood, gore, and guts.  So it only makes sense that some weird company release a gummy pack of candy that allows children to eat something they would, hopefully, never eat in real-life.

Ah, yes.. The Gummy Body Parts Sushi Roll.  This demented pack of candy looks like a scene out of Saw or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  These are absolutely disgusting, and that's why they look so damn cool.  Honestly, I'm not one for these types of Halloween candy, but I understand that there is a strong market for such a disaster and that the target audience are usually kids.  It makes perfect sense, too.  If I was any more of a kid than I already am, I probably would have loved this pack.  But personally, at 24 years old, they're only good to show off in my nerdy blog.  They certainly look awesome, but other than that, they're not something I'd normally purchase.

Here, out of package, we have the Body Parts in all their glory.  From top left to right, we have: The bloody ear, a severed tongue, a broken nose, somebody's tiny brain, an eyeball, and a tied down finger.  I'll be honest, I can't help but stare at them.  I think it's awesome how well the colors pop out at you and I appreciate the time put into each gummy.  I just wish I enjoyed the flavor.  It's not the fact that they're body parts that turns me off, it's just that they taste bad.  I can't put it any simpler than that.  They're gross.. and what's worse?  To go along with the "sushi" theme, each gummy comes with it's own "marshmallow roll."  Trust me, that's not a good thing!

Since I'm definitely not taking any more than one bite, I'll take the time to at least review the appearance of some of these Body Parts and, first up, we have the Ear.  Now, I don't know what happened to this poor guy, but I know that this ear could easily be mine.  It's pretty big and I've been known to hear from miles away thanks to my own pair of Dumbo's.  Luckily, I have both so I know this one belongs to somebody else.  I feel bad for whoever it is that can now only hear from one side of their head, but they obviously should have gotten that ruptured ear drum checked out.  It's unfortunate, but since he didn't, you can all now chomp down on to his bloody ear.

On a side note, that black gummy marshmallow looks like the lip of a dog.  I used to have a Golden Retriever and his black lip looked exactly like that.  I doubt that's what they were going for here, but it gives me more of a nauseous feeling than I was looking for.

The eyeball is cool because it's pretty big.  I like that it has some size to it because it actually makes it more realistic.  You probably already know this, but I like to sound smart, so I'll tell you that our eyes are really much bigger than they appear.  If you didn't know that, then wow, you're really dumb! ;)

I don't know what that little gray spec is on the eyeball.  I thought it was a piece of dust or dirt that fell on to the candy as I was taking the picture, but no, that's actually a piece of candy.  It looks like thread, but I wasn't going to taste it just to prove that it's candy.  I'm just going to assume that this guy had bigger eye problems than he realized and it may explain why I now have it in my garbage.

This nose had to have been in one gnarly fight because it's completely deformed.  Just look at the way it twists and turns.  It's bumpy and swollen.  It's bleeding from two separate areas.  It's a complete mess and makes me a bit squeamish.  I've only ever had one bloody nose in my life and it was thanks to my girlfriend.  Don't ever "fake-wrestle" with her because I know, from experience, she'll cross the line and make you look like this loser.

Has anyone seen Carson Daly lately?  Because I think I found his finger.  He's the only guy I've ever seen who consistently wore black nail polish as a fashion statement so, if this isn't his finger, I don't know who it belongs to.  I'd have to assume that it's satanic or comes from a cult.  It's obviously evil and that must be why it's scheduled by all Gummy collectors to be eaten first.  The finger is the only Body Part that is already wrapped and ready to be devoured, which is why we included the chop sticks in this picture.  It's gross, especially that bone protruding at the knuckle, but nothing in comparison to it's flavor.

Next up on the menu, we have a Gummy Worm Hot Dog with Finger Fries!  This one is more marshmallow than it is gummy, but no better in the realm of flavor.  Of course, this is only my opinion, but I have a strong feeling you'd agree.

Let's just stop talking about taste altogether because I can't tell you enough how much I hate them.  I'm just not a fan.  However, I am a big fan of this pack in terms of visuals and the fun it provides.  First off, the Gummy Worm is very cool looking.  I would jump ten-feet off the ground if anything even remotely close to this worm actually crawled up my leg, but as gummy candy, he's good to go.

But for as colorfully wonderful as this worm is, he's not the highlight of this pack.  Neither are the rest of Carson Daly's marshmallow fingers.  No, the best part of this pack is the pack that comes with them!

Blood!!  Similar to soy sauce you'd receive from a Chinese Restaurant, this pack of blood is designed for you to pour all over your marshmallow fingers.  I couldn't care less about flavor now, all I want to do is see this blood drip all over this food I'll never eat!  That alone would be worth the price of admission, baby!

Look at all that red!  If you're going to buy any body parts at all, make sure you pick up the finger fries and bloody ketchup!  Simply dripping fake blood on to marshmallow fingers will make you happy it's Halloween!  Look, it's so good-looking that the Gummy Worm has decided to crawl out from his marshmallow bun and over to the blood.  Can't say I blame him..

In conclusion, buying any Gummy Body Parts this season is totally up to you.  I really don't like the way they taste, and I won't be buying them again, but they do look "Halloweeny," and that's one very big reason to give them a chance if you're interested.  At my local Walgreens, these take up a large amount of shelf space.  They have big bins, tiny packages and all-out platters.  Maybe, for a party, they would be cool to have spread out on the table, but I doubt you'd have any less by the time your party ends.

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